Power(lessness) in numbers. Or, fear itself.

Very long entry, and a bit discombobulated. I hope you’ll read it, as it’s been very therapeutic and revelatory to write about this issue. Without further ado…

I’m starting to think that gossip and a bad affected (right word?) group mentality is what prevents my community from helping themselves, more than lack of resources or any other typical limiting factor. Really, why would a community of people (mostly family, remember) who all say they want the same improvements and they are frustrated by the same things not be able to unite to make changes? This has been my recent experience trying to get the mud stove built. I had my first wildly successful meeting to generally talk to the community. It went great, people were motivated. I invited the SAME people to a meeting to specifically talk about getting this stove built in the community building (which is still a long way from completion…I think I now understand why). Fewer people showed up, but they did agree to meet to dig up dirt which we’d use for the mud. There were a few other materials we would be using, but we agreed they would be found in the coming week and a half until the day we would be actually building. Two people came to help dig up dirt (out of 6 adults who had been at the meeting 2 days prior). It wasn’t much work, but I was disappointed in the drop in enthusiasm. Mostly, I think people didn’t come because they didn’t think anyone else would. Funny, when you think like that, you’re ALWAYS right! Anyways, I got over that day’s disappointment, and got ready to actually build the stove. The day before, I went to all the houses specifically to remind people of the next day’s activities. People were on board, ready. At my host family’s house (my last stop), my host mom told me that maybe we couldn’t build it on top of the concrete table as planned. She made it sound that we probably should give up the idea totally…people were upset about the idea. WHAT? Why had nobody told me at the meeting, or during the weeks leading up, or even that morning? Had they not understood when I asked if we could build it there? According to her, her uncle thought that the people who had built the concrete table had to be asked, because it was the community’s property. At this point, I got very confused (the community’s property…but some people had a greater say over it than the prominent community members at my meetings?) and of course started crying and blabbering with a raised voice in incoherent Spanish. Who was it that didn’t want me to build? They definitely hadn’t bothered to come to any meetings, or hadn’t spoken up at the meetings, or mentioned this to me when I visited their houses (true, I don’t know everyone, but everyone knows each other and they TALK, so you’d think I would have heard about it by now). I see her uncle just about every other day, and he never mentioned this issue of asking OTHER people for permission. Furthermore, why wouldn’t the elusive dissenters want an improvement upon their work? Currently they cook over an open wood fire at this communal kitchen, the pot balanced on cinder blocks. In reality, they rarely cook there (only in September for a special feast, and when they work on the community house). This type of stove uses much less wood, and the cooks are much more comfortable with the flame contained inside the stove and with the smoke floating out the chimney, not back into their faces. So I stormed back to each house I had JUST visited. Getting emotional is not recommended for volunteers, showing that you’re angry at people can lead to problems. However, I tried to contain myself and asked each person if they understood we would be building on the concrete slab, and if there would be a problem with that. They understood, always had, and only problem that came up was that they used the table more to put giant pots of food on, and supposedly that was its purpose. So long as there would still be the ability to do this, we could go ahead. Everyone agreed this would be a good thing to have there, they are the ones who cook and would like to have this built. Just as I had thought. I will not doubt myself based on gossip again. And if it doesn’t work out, I concluded, we could smash the darn thing, and have a plain concrete table again.

I refused to cancel the project on hearsay that someone didn’t want this to happen. But it made me think about why things don’t get done around here. Giving up before starting, because of gossip or the fear that “people” won’t help. I’m not part of this self-fulfilling helplessness that seems to invade communities like BOTH of my Peace Corps work sites. “Ah, well, some people are lazy, that idea won’t work.” “But nobody goes to meetings.” “But some people don’t want to participate in things for our community because they don’t like to share with the rest of us.” I hear these refrains whenever I propose group work. I hear them from everyone, which means they’re just proving themselves right, and that they could just as easily be wrong about themselves. I haven’t yet met the “nobody” or “some people” who don’t want a better life for them and their children, who don’t want something as basic as consistent water in summertime (there is a simple solution that everyone seems to be in agreement about, but I hear “some people” won’t participate, so as of yet, this plan hasn’t been put into action), who don’t want improvements to the community space. There is a great need (in my opinion) to get over fear of failure of group (or individual) work, and to stop proving themselves right. Why should people with enthusiasm to work be paralyzed by fear that other people (who never bother to show up to meetings or to work) will be upset? So what if they are, but I doubt this would be the result. Also, if people stopped thinking, “why should I, if he won’t?” and just began doing things together again, I believe they’d realize that they’re all just as guilty of inaction and negative thinking as their neighbors. A simple change of thinking could go a long way. So basically we are dealing with 2 things that lead to inaction: fear of others’ opinions, and assumptions of future or repeated laziness. The only thing we have to fear...ladies and gentlemen...is fear itself.

The day of building started rocky for me, because of the previous day’s issues. I was confident we were once again in agreement to go forward building on the table in question. However, the person who had been claiming there’d be trouble (my host mom’s uncle), still thought there was some big problem. I explained that this was a big surprise, wanted to know who else had a problem (still couldn’t get names), and basically we were shouting at each other. It was a very difficult thing for me, since this man is one I respect and want to work with a lot in the future. The big issue seemed to be that I hadn’t had a meeting with the whole community (though I had invited everyone I knew and told them to invite other people), so this community table couldn’t be used for a Peace Corps project. This was the first I heard anyone separate the community and Peace Corps this way. It was disconcerting to have it implied that I was coming in with my big ol’ useless project from Peace Corps and not asking the community if we should do it. I was trying to explain that this could be an improvement for the community, why shouldn’t we do it, and why hadn’t anybody come forward before? However the man kept interrupting me (but I totally respect my host dad for trying to help me get some talking time). This had been planned for 2 weeks. I have to take the word of those who come to my meetings or speak to me in private, they are the ones who care enough about their community. Whether they like it or not, they have become the community representatives. It seems to be the pattern to skip meetings if you don’t like what’s going on or if you think nobody else will go and thus nothing will get done…instead of going to give your opinion. This man eventually walked out mad that I didn’t want to change plans and make a new foundation (I didn’t know if that would be alright. Ironically, it’s what we did because it was a better plan due to the way you have to build a stove).

My volunteer friend came as the rest of us were still standing there trying to figure stuff out. Me trying to explain that it’s not that we couldn’t do it on the table, but that nobody gave their opinion and this really was the problem, since knowing this could have helped me plan differently and make sure everything was set. We couldn’t just decide the day of the project to change everything around. The man had suggested we could make a new table-like foundation, and spread the project over more time. Which honestly sounded so dumb to me (but I didn’t say that). It´s hard enough to get people to come to something once, as I´m always told and as I have experienced. Well, we ended up making a building from the ground because that was better given we weren’t sure the strength of the table (had to support a lot of weight and pounding), because it would be smart to do it in a way that would be an example for people who couldn´t afford a concrete table, and because of the issues with “the community.” I guess I have trouble defining the word community as something other than people who participate in communal activities like meetings and building projects. My volunteer friend assured me it’s a very common problem, which I know is true. Still, I thought my community was special and honest and open with me…. In the end though, I had 6 adults (and 8 children) working on the stove. It turned out great (see: Mud Stove), and we plan to make more in individual houses.

How does this experience change me? Not much. I will continue to have high expectations of myself and my community, refuse to accept that people won’t or can’t work or attend meetings, and most of all, refuse to believe hearsay (which has a great Panamanian slang word: bochinche—bo-cheen-chay). Even though in this case it was true the man had a problem, I still think it was unfounded and handling it the way we did was bad. I needed to know this way beforehand (his responsibility), but I perhaps could have rolled with it a bit better, especially considering it was a moot point. Maybe seeing my reaction, people have learned to be straight with me. I will continue to believe the best about people, no matter how much they disappoint me or like this man did, humiliate me by waiting until a public meeting to yell at me to change my plans. I’m overall very happy this project happened, but I know it happened largely because I refused to accept that we couldn’t do it. Had I not been in charge, forcing it through, would it have happened? Hopefully I’m rubbing off on people so they also learn to take charge of change they want.

You must be the change you want to see in the world, to use the Ghandian cliché.

P.S. I went and spoke to my ¨dissenter¨and we cleared up where we had both gone wrong about things. I still don´t see what was essentially wrong about making an improvement upon the work, but that was such a problem for him, I just swallowed it. Really, it was better to make it from the ground, but I think he now knows that these things need to be brought to my attention before the day we have planned work. And we´re friends again. Phew.